Relegated to the attic

Like a lot of guys of a certain age, I have a bunch of vinyl records that I never play.

The albums are up in the attic, a torturous environment of humidity in the summer and brittle cold in the winter. What a terrible way to treat these slices of my musical past.

It’s true there are a few gems in the box — some XTC, a Warren Zevon record or two, a few Led Zeppelin albums, my complete collection of Beatles LPs (British versions!), Tom Petty’s “Damn the Torpedoes” and the Who’s “Live at Leeds.”

But there’s a bunch of garbage, too.

So here it is: My list of the five most embarrassing records from the cardboard box in my attic:

The Firm: “The Firm”
Jimmy Page and Paul Rodgers teamed up in this lame “super group.” I was in high school when they put out “The Firm” in 1985, and I felt like anything from Jimmy Page was going to be great. At the time, I thought it was. I even saw the Firm in concert — twice!

Robert Plant: “Shaken ‘n’ Stirred”
Again with the worshiping of anything associated with Led Zeppelin. This is another forgettable record from 1985. I guess I liked the single “Little by Little.” But geez, look at these track titles: “Doo Doo a Do Do” and “Hip to Hoo.”

Paul McCartney: “Give My Regards to Broad Street”
Some lame lyrics in the main single (“No More Lonely Nights”) from this record: “I can wait another day, until I call you. You’ve only got my heart on a string, and everything aflutter.” It’s true this record has some decent remakes of McCartney’s Beatles songs, but the new material is tepid. Plus, just look at this album cover.

R.E.M.: ???
What on earth? I bought this “picture disc” during my R.E.M. fan boy period. I suppose I figured it was cool and rare. It retrospect, it’s dumb. I don’t even know what’s on this thing … an interview with the band, I think.

Roger Daltrey: “One of the Boys”
I don’t recall buying this record. Nor do I remember actually ever playing it.