BattleFight! Vol. 3

Posted by on Apr 27, 2009 in Uncategorized | 13 comments

lostvslolcats

It has been a while since the last BattleFight post and I am sorry for the wait, it’s nothing personal. BattleFight just needed a year to recharge. If you’re unfamiliar with BattleFight, not to worry, BattleFight is a bi-weekly* feature where we clash two opponents together in a fictitious feud in which you, the reader, decide the outcome based on your heated responses in the comment section. It’s a real riot.

Anyways.

To start the week off with BattleFight, it’s island castaways against Internet image craze: 

LOST VS. LOLcats

LOST
dharma_logoStrengths:
+ Dream Team: Locke, Sawyer, Sayid, Desmond and maybe Ben
+ Mysterious smoke monster (burrrooooh! tst tst t-tst t-t-tst ta tst)
+ Broad tapestry of allusion seamlessly stitched with high-minded philosophy into an action-adventure setting
+ Polar bears

jackshepardWeaknesses:
- Unresolved plot-lines
- Jack’s attitude (he’s got a bad attitude) – could also be a strength?
- Dharma Initiative food (borrrrrring)
- Clare (may be dead, here’s hoping)

 

LOLcats
lolcat-invisible-bikeStrengths:
+ Adorable captions
+ Strength in numbers
+ Great poses!
+ Cuteness factor   :-)
+ Impact and Arial Black
 

lolcats-trashcatWeaknesses:
- Unrealistic: cats can’t talk, they are not witty and they don’t eat cheezburgerz
- Poor grammar (see above)
- Hates water
- Feline leukemia

 

 

Special Rules and Conditions: This BattleFight would obviously need to take place on the Lost island, however! The entire island would be equipped with free high-speed Internet (no deadzones and it would be wifi enabled).

I know there are a lot of you that feel very passionately about Lost and LOLcats but please keep your arguments clean and to the point. No filibustering.

BattleFight!

 

*Not actually bi-weekly

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  • http://www.fasthorseinc.com Mike Keliher

    First of all, I take issue with the suggestion that the island has no deadzones. Are you telling me you really think they’d get signal in that creepy house Jacob inhabits? What about the hole Ben climbed into when he, uh, moved the island? Zero bars, baby. Zero bars.

    That said, Sayid and Jin could whoop any herd of kittens. Those guys are killers — literally!

  • Taylor

    Mike, please note that the island not having deadzones was not a suggestion, it was a fact. The donkey-wheel room is full of electro-magnetic energy, thereby increasing the bars. Do you really believe that just because Jacob’s cabin is dark, creepy and lacks modern technology that it also can’t get a good signal? C’mon Mike. Grow up.

  • John from Minneapolis

    Errr…..ummmmmm………teh catz?

  • http://www.fasthorseinc.com Mike Keliher

    You know how you don’t get a very good signal in unexpected places like by the pharmacy in the Walgreens at Snelling and Randolph in St. Paul at some random airport terminals? And you know how those are depressing, sometimes scary places you’d rather not be?

    Jacob’s place is kinda like that.

  • http://www.jppollard.com Jp Pollard

    Mike- do not presume to know anything about Jacob or his place. If Jacob (or his cabin) is able to piece the wall of mortality and summon the corporal-speaking-walking-lantern-holding visage of Christian Shepard, it’s signal strength must be pretty damned good.

    John from Minneapolis- I think you’re on the right track.

    What this really comes down to is the inconsequential but highly amusing anitics of the LOLcats vs the inconsequential but sometimes engrossing antics of the many shades of LOST*.

    The real loser in this battle will be my mother, who loves both LOST and LOLcats. As such, I called her in to help deliberate. Her name is Sherri.

    +++++++++++++++++++++
    Jp- Mom?

    SP- Hi, buddy.

    Jp- Ok- weird question, but what do you think is more entertaining- LOST or LOLcats?

    SP- Lowl kitz?

    Jp- LOL cats… Like L-O-L. You know, those cute pictures of cats doing funny things with a little tagline at the bottom.

    SP- I don’t know what those are…

    Jp- LOLcats, you emailed me one just a few weeks ago. Remember? Cute pictures of kittys doing funny stuff with a tagline like “me like cheeseburgers” but all mispelled?

    SP- Well… since I don’t know what you’re talking about i must not have found it very funny **… so I guess I’d say LOST.

    Jp- But you… you know what, that actually works.

    SP- Ok, bye.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    And with that, LOST wins. Need further evidence?
    I thought you might- so try this on for size.

    The hatch computer (destroyed at the end of season two, but back now… TIME FLASH) somehow ends up on 4chan (the internet picture forum of weird things which originally spawned the LOLcat). Hurly obviously succumbs first, followed by Kate, Bernard, Jack, etc. Locke would start giggling. Hell, Ben himself couldn’t help but crack a smile at “mindpowrz”.

    Only one man could resist: Sawyer. See, Sawyer reads books, Sawyer has sex, and sawyer beats the shit out of people (or more often than not, gets the shit beaten out of himself).

    No where on that resume does it say “computer skills”.

    Sawyer doesn’t use no stinking computer. If you can’t con it or screw it, Sawyer’s just not interested. If anything, Sawyer would see LOLcats as competition to his funny nicknames he gives people. Jack would always be doing stupid impressions of the cats makeing Kate laugh, and finally sawyer wouldn’t be able to take it.

    He’d pull the plug. Be bust the monitor. Whatev.
    And when people got in his face about it, he’s charm and fight his way out.

    He’d survive.
    Cause that’s what he does.
    And he’s the best there is at what he does***

    …Bub

    * Sawyer is stricken from this remark as he is never inconsequential and always engrossing.

    ** Mom did actually find the LOLcats very funny.

    *** â„¢ marvel comics

  • http://www.fasthorseinc.com George F

    I’ve never been as happy with my decision not to watch “Lost” as I am right now. Taylor, it just doesn’t seem humane to list weaknesses for the laugh out loud cats. Besides from being inhumane, it’s illogical. The cats’ weaknesses are actually their strengths. We wouldn’t love them if it weren’t for their flaws. That said, Lost’s weaknesses are clearly not ironically their strengths because if they were they wouldn’t be lost anymore. And that’s that – LOLCats win. Final answer. Boom goes the dynamite.

  • http://www.jppollard.com Jp Pollard

    George F.- Awww, this takes me back to when I had MY first beer.

  • http://www.jppollard.com Jp Pollard

    George F.- I’ve spent the past 30 minutes thinking about my comment to your comment and I’ve decided it’s unfair to presume that you were intoxicated. Unfair and petty even.

    George F., I was once just like you. Hungry, alone, buying into the idea of a Domino’s “5-5-5″ deal. I didn’t watch LOST. I even took pride in my not watching LOST. If you poke around the net you might even find an abandoned blog with a post gloating about my own ignorance.

    Folly.

    Then, George, I saw a little film. And that film was called Cloverfield. As I watched it, a friend pointed out the Dharma symbol flickering in the title sequence. I was loosely familiar with LOST (People stuck on island, Survivor for people who hate Survivor) but the idea that that film and LOST were linked intrigued and aroused a healthy curiosity in me. “What if the island is MONSTER ISLANDâ„¢”?!

    As I began to watch, I quickly realized that it was so much more, George F. And the deeper down the rabbit hole I went, the greater the reward:
    ˙By the time Locke finds the hatch, I had bought a futon and quit sleeping on my blood stained mattress.

    ˙When Libby embraced Hurly, my life mirrored the show as I fell in love.

    ˙As Jack started popping pills and growing a beard I was being hired for my first steady work in 15 months!

    See George- your life doesn’t have to be like this.
    Let some light in.
    Let some LOST in.
    Let the healing begin.

    And never forget: http://tinyurl.com/cxo2mv

    Your Friend-
    Jp

  • John from Minneapolis

    Jp:

    I iz Mr. Snuffykins. I hate everything.

  • Taylor

    John – Good argument

    George – You should really dip your toe into LOST. If nothing else, having watched the show would have given you a more well-rounded argument against it. This didn’t make any sense: “…Lost’s weaknesses are clearly not ironically their strengths because if they were they wouldn’t be lost anymore.”

    Jp – Although your interest in LOST borderlines fanaticism (re: Cloverfield inspiring you to watch Lost. What?), I can’t help but agree with you on many of your points. It’s true that many of the characters on LOST would easily succumb to the cuteness and popularity of LOLcats. I wouldn’t be surprised if many people on LOST (Miles definitely) joined forces with the LOLcats against the rest of LOST. Ben would lead that charge. However, I take personal offense that Locke would “start giggling.” Locke was strangled to death, shot, crushed by a blast door and was thrown from a six story building by his dad (SPOILER ALERT). If anyone is going to save the island from LOLcats, it’s him. Thanks for calling your mom. Hi Mrs. Pollard.

  • Nicole

    I gadda say guys…you are going about this all wrong. Your arguments are all enthusiastic and well thought out-but a true battle isn’t decided by logic-it’s decided by your gut. You all would have argued for Penn State’s victory over the good ol’ Hawkeyes…you all would have been wrong. My gut says LOL Cats win. They make me smile. They are a side I (and I think we all can agree on this) can really get behind.

  • Ocerous

    You guys are forgetting several things about LOST that will be vital in this competition for LOST
    1) Cats are rarely, if ever featured on LOST. Instead, we have polar bears, a smoke monster, and one of the most important members of the LOST crew: Vincent the dog. Thats right, the dog has outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted (to borrow from another island-themed show) more people on the island than we can count, including, but not limited to passengers of Oceanic 815 and Aijira 316, several of the Others, and members of the main cast. All within the first 108 days on the island.
    2) While the LOLcats may parody LOST from time to time (ref. http://www.LOSTROFL.com), some, but not all people reading them will understand the references being made. However, when LOST fans parody LOLcats with LOST references (such as the hippos, http://hippozor.blogspot.com/), MOST, but not all, reading them will know what LOLcats are. Meaning that LOST fans are more well-informed. I don’t know if that made any sense, but i felt smart typing it, so it stays!
    3) LOST will end after this upcoming final season, which means the writers and storytellers have crafted a well-written and planned out story and are not going to let LOST go on forever with cliche plot lines and gimmicky stories to attract viewers in its 11th season, etc, thus preventing it from becoming ridiculously old and annoying. LOLcats may be around for a long time, but by that time, the only ones still caring will be noobs and the few die-hard kitty lovers that have no lives and decorate every square-inch of their walls with cats. LOST fans will pass on their love for the show and convert new followers by lending out their DVDs and always developing new theories.

  • Ocerous

    btw, LOST has its own set of LOLcats devoted to it, so there are traitors amongst the cats.
    http://community.livejournal.com/lostlolcatz